The truth hurts

Some babies are ugly. I know, no one wants to be the asshole who admits this, but it’s true. What’s worse, some children are ugly. You look at the kid and hope that this state of being unfortunate-looking is merely a part of puberty, but if it persists into young adulthood, all bets are off. If it’s a sin to acknowledge the ugliness aloud, it’s probably a bigger sin also to admit that the ugliness makes the child inherently less likeable. Surely this is a result of evolutionary forces that drive us to seek out attractiveness in order to survive, but as adults we feel badly for these homely little suckers and do our best to try to like them. Most likely the child in question is oblivious---thankfully---but it really does a number on the adult who is going against the grain of natural human behavior in order to seem like a nice person. The conflict between repulsion and guilt is quite strong and I suspect it could have deleterious health consequences in the long term. Someone really should do a study on that.

On a similar note, let’s be honest about perpetuating the myth that all brides are beautiful. Really? What about the fat ones? There is nothing beautiful about watching a fat dude try to cram a ring onto the sausage fingers of his fat bride. I also don’t find it beautiful to watch him try to cram a piece of cake into her chubby cheeks at the reception. I’m going to leave it at that, lest I conjure for you images of any other “cramming” that could occur later that night.

This one is a jagged little pill, but I’m sure there are some ladies in the house who will agree, size does matter. Average is fine, no problem. But please, do not come near me with that thing if my pinky finger could beat it up. I don’t want to belabor this point and risk sounding crass, but no one wants to ask if it’s in. It’s just not right and no one enjoys that. Sure we enjoy the attention you have to lavish on us in order to deflect, but at the end of the day, we are laughing at you with our friends.

It is easier---and frankly more energy efficient---to pee in the shower. I’m not saying I do this; I am just making the point. That’s why I’m here, folks.

I have seen no evidence to suggest that there is a God. However, I have seen a great deal of evidence to suggest the opposite. Let’s take childhood cancers, for instance. That is part of some benevolent grand plan? Random acts of violence, famine, AIDS, etc., all rain down upon this world because God said so? And with all the horrific things going on in the world, He is listening to you ask Him on Sunday morning if you can please have nice weather for your golf tournament next weekend. If you believe in that malarkey, you probably also believe that global warming is a myth. Sigh (insert shaking head here). I am sure that one night all the environmental scientists in the world got together and decided it was time to get even with greedy businessman. They were ready to exact revenge so all together, they concocted this idea to sell to the people: for the sake of our planet’s continued survival, humans need to reduce their production of greenhouse gases. The benefit for the scientists would be the satisfaction of impacting market forces with greater taxation, regulations, and protections that ultimately would result in a global government, while simultaneously securing funding for their research. Oh, those scientists. Pure. Evil. Genius.

I think this a good time to mention that there is no Santa Claus or Tooth Fairy, calories consumed on vacation do count, and blood is not thicker than water. These are sad facts, my friends. Don’t shoot the messenger.